WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—As the government shutdown drags on into its thirteenth day, Americans have become baffled as to why a totally nonessential federal employee still has his job. Unlike thousands of workers at agencies like EPA and HUD who have been furloughed, the still-employed man serves no identifiable function, Americans noted. In fact, a review of activities performed by him in 2025 yields only three: sending co-workers home on an extended vacation, refusing to swear in a new co-worker, and praying for the Rapture. But in a testy exchange with reporters on Monday, the nonessential employee vehemently rejected the widespread claims of his abject uselessness, declaring, “I have been working around the clock protecting pedophiles.” As corporate media bend their knee to our senile wannabe dictator, I have never been more grateful that I don’t work for one of these craven companies. I work for you. © 2025 Andy Borowitz |